I'd like to think I'm okay with change. I don't mind trying new things (by which I mean Thai food, not sky-diving). I don't mind changing jobs. I believe I'd be happy to move to a new house, if/when that happens. I understand that nothing is permanent.
But I have to say that I have lost some tolerance for society's constant push for novelty. It's even possible that I never had that tolerance to begin with, or perhaps simply that I don't feel that I have the energy to be responsible for the decisions that go behind innovation.
Actually, I think I can tighten the focus and say this more clearly. I don't seem to be able to get excited about making decisions that may disappoint other people. My skin has grown thin in that area. I second-guess myself and I don't want to be responsible. For much of anything that is designed to delight people. Or maybe I just don't have a lot of surplus creative energy. Or general energy. Today. I used to be in charge of a lot of stuff. I mostly hated it, but it helped to know where I stood in the chain of command. And I think seniority helped. I had the certainty that history can give you. I'm feeling less invested these days in anything to do with work. Even though I love my job.
This could be low blood sugar or the cold I'm fighting off speaking. But even in writing this, I realize that I'm stymied by the needs that drive a capital society. It's just as well I don't work in retail. My clock is slower than that. I don't think about the next thing and then the next thing. I'd like to sit and be still in the present a bit longer, if possible. Give me a job to do. Don't ask for my opinion about what to do. Or, at least, not tonight.
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