ARRRR!

It be talk like a pirate day, mateys!

What I'd Rather

When I wake up, all sorts of doors open in my head, and the day's concerns and duties, things I must do or remember, stride in and all start talking at once, vying for attention. It's like a bad party scene where no one is listening to one another, and everyone has had just enough to drink to make them loud and selfish. I grit my teeth and marshal whatever order I can, and give myself a pep talk in the din.

But what I want is this: to wake to peaceful stillness, silent and rested, and walk alone out well-washed French doors into a morning just blooming into color out of the gray of dawn. I want to walk down a path through hills with the birds making their declarations of existence, and the sky high and open.

I want the particles of my body to be loosely held together by whatever joyful contract they originally made with one another, instead of being bound tightly in corporeal mass by the glue of stress and will.

Still here

Still alive.
And well, too.
Just not blogging these days.

But I thought I'd break radio silence with this tiny note.
A (re)start.

Confession

Forgive me reader, for I have committed the sin of hubris.

I thought I could write daily.

Well, I thought I could write daily and do a lot of other things daily too.

But every morning, I launch myself out of bed (after multiple bargaining sessions with the snooze alarm - my earliest waking moments are measured by 7-minute intervals), throw myself into the day, and am hurtled from one thing to another until I give up sometime around 10:30 (give or take) and surrender to the reality that I can't do it all.

And this in spite of my capacity to believe, over and over again, that if only I marshaled myself better, I could accomplish what I've set out to do.

Well, drat.

Today my goal is to be gentle with myself. I think my mother's somewhere telling me to slow down and take it easy. Yeah. Like I've ever listened to that advice.

Returning late

Another full day of conference, and then home just before midnight after an uneventful flight.

Before I left Phoenix, I had dinner with my half-sister M. and her family at a somewhat questionable restaurant near the airport. It was so good to see them and catch up, even if it was only for a short time. (Thanks for the visit and ride to the airport, M!)

It was, as it always is, so nice to come home.

Geekiness and Buffets

The last few days at the developer's conference have been a combination of lots of new information - I now know even more painfully how little I know and how many new, exciting things I *could* be doing, if I only I had the time to learn the steps better - and these thrice-daily buffets where I could, theoretically, eat plate after plate of food. I limit myself to one plate per meal, but I don't pass on dessert either.

Sunday 7/13/08

Immersed in FileMaker Developer Conference stuff all day, feeling a little flu-like in the evening. But nothing an early night in the nice JW Marriott Desert Ridge hotel room won't cure.

Kids home, Mom away

This morning I drove out west past pastures and redwoods and tiny towns to pick up S from her Presbyterian camp. She didn't seem any taller or dirtier than she'd been when I dropped her off, but after a few hours at the pool, this girl tans like nobody's business, and her skin was a consistent shade darker than I remembered (the consistency is how I knew it wasn't dirt). She had a good time, she said, but she was definitely saddened by the fact that I was going to be leaving almost as soon as we got home, and wouldn't be back for a few days.

D took me to the airporter on his way to pick up R and her friend from their designated Girl Scout Camp bus stop a couple of hours south. Apparently, S babbled the whole drive down. And the whole drive back.

I got to the airport hours before my flight was to leave, but I didn't mind. I've probably mentioned this before, but I love to hang out at airports and people watch. I think I like the idea of seeing a concrete representation of something that's true at a metaphysical level. We're all on journeys. We're going away. We're coming home. We're leaving old for new, or vice versa. And we're not alone.

Everyone seems to be represented - old, young, all races and religions and social classes. I know there are some who can't afford to fly, some who are afraid to fly, some who are too ill or otherwise unable to fly, and some who just plain have nowhere they want or need to go via plane.

But enough of us pass through airports at one point or another that it feels like I'm seeing a cross-section of the world. And each of us brings to the gate our own story of our own journey, like some kind of internal carry-on item that we couldn't check if we wanted to.

Date Night #2

I went to the gym this afternoon - after a nap in my car in the gym parking lot! - and then did a little more cleaning of the girls' rooms. And laundry. You would think that without the kids around I'd do something more exotic - like, I don't know, blast 80's music and drink a dessert wine in the afternoon. But cleaning without anyone else in the house is sheer bliss for me. What can I say?

We didn't make it out to a movie two nights ago, but last night, D & I went out & saw Get Smart, which was a bit of a treat for us primarily because we'd both grown up watching the show, and both like the actors. We're probably the target audience for the film. We also went out to dinner at D's new favorite burger restaurant afterwards. It was good food, but I'm really better off not eating so late.

D and I love spending time just talking. We have every reason to believe that we'll still be friends and still enjoy hanging out together after the nest is empty. Especially if we keep the conversation going between then and now.

Tonight, we went out for sushi. We sat at the bar and chatted with the sushi chef - something we never do with the kids - and just relaxed. Rented a couple of movies and watched one of them. Tomorrow I pick up S and then D picks up R while I'm off on a business trip. I'm still preparing to pack, which means doing all the laundry I can. It's bizarre, but familiar, behavior. I don't know when I'll move beyond the stage of recognizing it to the point of changing it. Hmmm.

Workaholic wannabee

It's apparently a good thing that I am forced to leave the office more or less "on time" every day to pick up kids, because apparently otherwise I'd habitually work 50 hour weeks.

There was a quarterly meeting for my current department today that kept me there until 2, and I didn't really leave until 2:30, but I didn't mind at all. So much of my life feels like I'm playing catch-up that putting in a little extra effort or time somewhere helps me feel closer to successful. As much as I enjoy the process more than the results in most of what I do, it's horrible to know that there is so much unfinished business. Especially hard for a Virgo. :)

At home, I got to work on house cleaning and cleaning the girls' rooms in particular. After all, I did warn them I'd be doing so, and I got their permission for me to get rid of things that they really truly don't use. I was surprised how quickly they agreed - especially R, as a teenager who is starting to guard her privacy - but I think they understand as well as I do that they have just too much stuff, and it gets in the way, makes it hard for them to find things, and probably clutters their inner life in some way as much as it trips them up in their outer life.

I didn't get far, and that's probably because of the weird ADHD way I have of cleaning. It's If You Give a Mouse a Cookie re-titled If You Give a Mom a Room to Clean. On my way to putting one thing away I'd see something else that needed to be done, which would take me to another room, and a third thing that could be moved, and a fourth task that was begging to be completed. It was pathetic. In the end I got more things done or half-done than not done, but nothing completed. Which makes me grateful that I have another day and a bit more before the kids are back and I leave for the next business trip.

Camper number two away

After work, and a frantic bout of labeling items with our 8-character last name and packing them up, I got S. to camp. We missed the official check-in time by "that much" but it only took a couple of minutes to do a "late-reg" check-in at the office. The camp is nestled in the redwoods, but even with that aromatic green shadiness, it was very hot when I dropped her off, and I anticipate three really hot days for her.

There was a little added excitement in the flurry of packing and leaving - S had a tooth come out (with her helpful yanking), and even though I encouraged her to leave it at home so the tooth fairy could pick it up under her pillow in her room, S decided to take it with her at the last possible second. This necessitated a quick dash into the house for a dollar coin and a fast scrub with brass polish to get the tarnish off - because the Tooth Fairy always leaves a shiny coin.

I left the campsite hoping the delivery instructions and the hidden coin would make it to the right counselor without S any the wiser, and I drove home a "free" woman with no one but myself and my husband to answer to. I love my kids. But I also love time to myself. This may be only the first of an increasing number of events that will mean both kids are away from the house, and maybe it's good preparation for the day when they're more gone than home. But I don't have to worry about being at loose ends or wondering what to do with myself when that day does come.

Check!

Checking off my list for the week:

Survive another day of temperatures over 100.

Swim at local public pool with S (more mommy-daughter time)

Read at poetry reading at bookstore 15 miles south of home as part of Traveling Poetry Show. (I always feel like a circus act when I hear that title.)

Delegate camp packing to S and D while at said reading.

Blog. How self-referential. Blogging about blogging about blogging. Reminds me of what you see if you angle a couple of mirrors just right - endless self. This is like digital narcissism, I guess.

Mommy-daughter time

S had her first day of Dance Camp today. The camp is 3 days a week, with various classes for ballet, tap, jaz, character (folk) and choreography, as well as pre-pointe. I think the pre-pointe is just stretching because the girls are so young, but she and her classmates are very excited about it. It marks a move toward the Big Time for them.

After work, I picked her up from dance & we had tea and coffee at the Tea Room before heading out to visit the camp she'll be going to later in the week. We got a tour from the very patient Camp Director, and hung out for about an hour and a half at the playground and walking along the creek. We also walked a prayer labyrinth - a narrow path in the dirt lined with rounded river stones that wraps around in a spiral not unlike this:




The idea, I believe, is to walk it while praying or meditating. It's not the kind of thing you dash through fast or skip over, but either response might be normal for an 8-ear old, and I was pleasantly surprised at how quietly and respectfully S. walked it.

I thought of the labyrinth as a metaphor for life. We think we're making no progress, because we double-back on ourselves as we go. But we are indeed moving from point A to point B. And when we think we're as far as we can go, we're not - but again, we must wind back and around to get to the end - only to find that there is no end, and we have to loop back yet again to the beginning once more - sometimes passing close to one another, sometimes far from one another - but on our own journey, if on a common road.

The last half of the walk, as we passed each other, we would reach out and brush our hands together. Kind of a meditative hi-five.

We drove the 45 minutes back to home, I napped (exhausted) on the couch for an hour - which S later claimed was "like, 2 hours" and then took her to her Math club - more of a games night than anything.

Some time in the evening, she said, "We should spend some mommy-daughter time together." I said, "Um. What was this afternoon, then?" I guess 4 hours in 8 years doesn't cut it. Especially if you nap. I'll work on that.

Day of rest. Or not.

Sabbath. Hmmm. I worked 5am-1pm today (weekend pay is a good incentive), then got home & double-checked R's "I got everything!" packing job for camp. She's getting better at the art of packing light - rolling her clothes, not bringing too much and yet remembering the essentials like more than one pair of underwear. She did chose the biggest, fluffiest and heaviest towel she could have, and forgot a mess kit and canteen, but it didn't take too long to finish up and drop her off at her friend's house for their early morning 90 minute drive to the Monday morning bus for camp.

We'd wanted to visit the closer-to-home campgrounds where S will be going later in the week - to familiarize her with it, since she has a hard time when left "alone" in new/unknown environments. But it was too late to make it out there today, so we'll do it tomorrow instead.

D has completed the move of the water heater in the laundry room - we have hot water again, hooray! And the washer & dryer are re-hooked up. So I have no excuse not to do the piles of dirty laundry. Except for that wanting to sleep thing...

The time it takes to be green

So the girls and I decided to do what we could to avoid using the car today, and we biked instead. Sounds easy enough, but the first step was finding locks in the garage, and then biking to Longs and then KMart, to find and buy chains to use with the locks. The only chain I found was made in Japan (to the US co's specifications, as though that made up for the foreign manufacture). I got it anyway. Then we biked to the pool, locked the girls bikes up, and I biked to the gym - two workouts in one! - and then I biked to a coffee shop to have an iced coffee and negate the benefits of the biking while filling out bills and a letter for R to receive in camp next week.

When I went to pay for my drink, I found to my dismay that my little wallet was missing. I ended up racing back (on bike, of course) to KMart to try to track it down, assuming that it was probably long gone if I'd dropped it there. By some miracle (thank you, guardian angel!), someone had turned it in and it had all of its contents still in it.

After I biked to the pool and escorted the girls home, we gave up on being green and used the car for the couple of additional errands we had to run for the day.

It was a good exercise - both physically and in terms of adapting to a new lifestyle. But it's taught me that this kind of living requires really good planning. Also, it means allowing for additional time as well as becoming adept at keeping track of all the details as you go - like wallets, for example.

Fourth

I posted an old 4th of July poem on The Practical Poet page to celebrate the day, but we mostly spent the day at home, puttering and doing chores, and (in my case) just being lazy in a post-stressful-times way. We'd had invitation to 4 great parties, and originally had planned to visit all of them if possible, but in the end we only went to the traditional gathering for fireworks at our friend's place on the other side of town.

The girls and I did run the Kenwood 3K at 7:30am - which meant waking up before 6am to get there on time. We took a friend with us - the ex-next door neighbor's girl, who is only 3 weeks younger than S. She and S. and I jogged, then walked, then jogged, then walked most of the route, until I finally got S. to agree to let me run ahead. She'd been anxious at the start of the race because we'd been briefly separated, and it made her clingy for the first mile plus of the 1.8 mile race. In the end, I passed R. (who had run ahead of all of us from the beginning), and got to the finish in time to snap shots of all of the girls as they came in. We also waited for our neighbor's mom to cross the finish line - she'd run the 10k, which I normally do, except she'd really been training for it and posted a respectable time for such an unkind, hilly course.

The fireworks were fun - the kids and adults all got along swimmingly, and we made it home at a decent hour. As always, I was relieved to find our house not on fire upon our return. I tell you. I can be so paranoid sometimes.

It's Official

The announcement went out at work today that I'm moving from the Inbound Sales group to the Customer Service department. This means my focus will be on giving customers news about their recoveries (including billing and invoicing for the work), as well as making sure that the customers are happy (or, hopefully, thrilled) and that the engineers and shipping folks all have what they need to perform the recoveries and get the jobs out the door. It's a problem-solving, colleague and customer supporting kind of role, and I'm super excited about the move. I think it suits my disposition and utilizes my strengths better than does a position in sales, with its related competitiveness.

And I'll still be able to provide whatever support I can (based on experience and knowledge that I've gathered over the last 10 years) to my colleagues in sales.
I'll also be able to use my foreign language and writing skills more. ¡Necesito aprender cómo hablar más español!

I probably won't start my new duties until late this month, as they have to find and hire a replacement in my current department. And apparently, no one is super eager about taking the 5am-1pm shift. But by the end of August, anyway, I should expect the transition will be complete. Also by then, the Customer Service department itself will have moved to a remodeled area on the first floor of the building, and I won't be sitting among the buzz of dozens of computers and servers or the cacophony of ringing phones and quoting salespeople.

D. insisted on going out for a sushi dinner to celebrate. Yeah. Twist my arm.

Sustenance

I've joined a discussion group where we're looking at Sustainable Living,
and judging by the first meeting tonight, it's exactly what I need when I need it in my path to living more responsibly and intentionally on this piece of rock.

Since probably a third of the readership of this blog is also in the group, you already know what I mean.

For the rest of you, I'll try to expand.

But not now.

I've been told that my 4 hours a night of sleep are worrying my spouse.

New Years in July

It's a time of change.

We recently got a new dishwasher (the previous one being 30+ years old), and a new front-loading stackable washer and dryer. These have already lowered our utility bill.

D's work on the remodel is moving along steadily, and what's emerging is gorgeous. Of course.

We've also got new toilets, which may not sound so glamorous but believe me when I tell you that one's quality of life is directly related to the minutes spent plunging vs not plunging.


We're just back from a trip to Seattle, Vancouver Island and Crater Lake, and it was the BEST family vacation I could have imagined, and we've got a new outlook and broadened horizons as a result.


It looks like there will be changes in my role at work in the not-so-distant future, and I'm very excited about that too.

And I'm shifting my focus in general - away from half-marathons and toward 20 minute workouts and more time to write. Sent out a poem for a local contest last night. Am glad I pushed myself to write it and get it out there.


And about that Writing thing.

Let's see if posting daily in July (starting yesterday, today) helps me keep it at the front of my mind. One can hope.

Greetings from Klamath Falls, OR

It's day 2 of our family vacation. Yesterday, we beat our own usual 2-hours behind schedule record by adding another 2 hours to it! After many hours of folding clean laundry and cleaning out pet cages (a standard courtesy for the pet-sitters), R. said, "For once, couldn't we just go on a trip without cleaning the whole house first?"

I really do appreciate my family's patience with my get-it-all-in-order now compulsive issues. And for the record, I held myself back a lot (otherwise we'd still be at home, I suspect.) I didn't have the girls clean their rooms, and I didn't wash the kitchen and bathroom floors like I wanted to so desperately. So we all make sacrifices.

I'll write more as I can on the road. We're about to leave for the train station, now!