June 29, 2004

I think I've spent most of my life walking back and forth on a rickety vine bridge between love and duty.

And I hate heights.

A week ago, I resigned from my responsibilities as a Presbyterian elder and told the new pastor that I'm going to step away from the church for the foreseeable future. This comes after months of soul-searching and days of working up the nerve to tell the key people at the church about my decision. I was the co-chair of the Nominating Committee (who must now find my replacement), and the co-chair of the Adult Education Commission, which was just ramping up for a huge church-wide campaign to revitalize the spiritual life of every member of the congregation (no pressure there). I was also an active part of the women's retreat committee – a retreat that, ironically, made me tired just thinking about it.

And it's not just that I didn't want to do all of those duties. In the end, I didn't want to do any of it. My theology does not match the church’s doctrine, and maybe that didn’t matter for a while, but it matters now. I can’t get behind all that work when I don’t agree with the reason for it. Presbyterian’s aren’t typically very evangelistic – which suits me fine. But the new pastor believes (and I can see why) that being a Christian means being evangelistic, going out and making disciples of everyone, etc. Well and fine in theory. In practice, I can’t do it. Okay, won’t do it. Choose not to do it.

Does that mean that I’m going to Hell? Is there a Hell? Or a Heaven?
Hmmm...that’s another blog entry all together.

Regardless, I don’t feel that I’m turning my back on God. I feel that I’m turning my face to my own spiritual and psychic needs, and the emotional and physical needs of my family.

The pastor and other people I've spoken to have taken the news graciously and are supportive. I don't expect anyone to show up at my door with a Bible and Holy Water any time soon. And every day, I take off another layer of guilt and let it float into the ether. I feel liberated and energized. It's amazing the toll stress will take on you.

Last night’s writer’s group meeting was good. After the obligatory catch-up period, we wrote. And wrote and wrote.

I also sent 3 poems out to a poetry contest yesterday. Back in the saddle again.