How the hours FLY by...

 ...when one is simply trying to weed the yard or edit and submit some poems. It's nearly 11pm and I still have not done many of the things I wanted to do today, although I did rid the yard of some weeds, and I ran errands, and exercised, and spent some lovely time with N. talking about baby shower plans and had a great zoom reunion with my erstwhile writing group, the Pointy Pals (PPJ & PPS). Oh! And had another poem accepted somewhere. Yay!

There's a cold wind tonight, and the wind chimes are loud outside my window. Mr. Darcy is restless and looking for trouble, so I've plunked him in S's room for now. It doesn't sound like that will last for long.

I'm still surrounded by piles of childhood paperwork, so I'll have to have time tomorrow to clear that away. And by "have" time, I don't mean "find" time. I mean "make" time. Come to think of it, a time-making machine would be lovely. Perhaps living in the moment is the answer? I shall have to try that. Tomorrow.

Telecommuted

Today was the last day I'm likely to telecommute for a while, given a change to our service. And even today, I spent most of the day in the branch, and only finished up here at home.

It's been nice to have one day to recover during the workweek and not wear a mask for eight hours, but it will also be good - challenging, but good - to open up and see patrons in the building again. And this way, I can separate my writing work from my work-work more easily. It's not that I write during work hours - I am scrupulously honest about time spent working - but having the same space used for both was taxing at some psychic level. There was a sort of energetic bleed-over that I can't explain without making it seem likely that I'll move on to astrological predictions next. 

I'm especially glad to have reached the end of this week, so that I can focus again on cleaning out/downsizing, gardening (weather permitting), patching the few places I missed with the shower grout-work, and generally getting things done. Perhaps a nap will happen (she said, passively), if the weather permits in the other direction. 

Too Tired to Write about Life, Because: Life

It's nearly 10:30pm, and I left the house at 8:35am and arrived home at 8:35pm, because of an evening visit to the hospital where my daughter (7 weeks from her due date) had gone to have a few things checked. She's not in labor, yet, and everything seems fairly okay. But it was cause for some worry because I didn't have any details whatsoever about why she was telling us to meet her at labor & delivery until after we got there. Shout out to D. for getting A. up there so quickly, too.

But I have submitted my poetry for the day. and am ready to wind down and hit the hay!

Last Days on the Cul-de-Sac and a Pearl Anniversary

Today marks 30 years - THIRTY YEARS, which is something like 186 dog years for larger breeds - that D. and I have been married. 

It's phenomenal, and we're smug and proud of ourselves, although D. keeps pointing to the length of the marriage of the recently widowed Queen Elizabeth II and her Prince Philip. Seventy-three years. It'll be tough to match that one, having tied the knot when we were a little bit older than the royal couple. 

If it weren't for the pandemic, we might have had a little get-together and renewed our vows. But we don't want to do anything like that via zoom. So we are not celebrating in any exciting way. Perhaps take-out sushi from Fuji. No cards, no flowers, no presents. But that suits us after 262,800 hours as man and wife.

And on another note, I've been trying not to duplicate posts between blogs, but this is from The Practical Poet: a link to the latest issue of The Racket Journal, which contains "Last Days on the Cul-de-Sac," one of my longer, darker poems. I'm so grateful to Noah Sanders for giving my little suburban apocalypse piece a home. 

The art on the cover and inside, as well as the other pieces of writing, make me feel extra humble to be in such talented company. I'm kind of pinching myself over hanging with the cool kids. 

Thank you, George and Ada

Shout out to George Saunders for A Swim in a Pond in the Rain. I'm about 100 pages into it, and already find myself applying his extremely helpful information about what makes writing effective and what makes it great.

And as I mentioned in my poetry blog, Ada Limón just had an essay come out in Lithub that is beautiful; thoughtful, moving, vulnerable, smart. All those things you want in a personal essay. (Or at least, all the things I want.)

On a completely different note, today there was both a car explosion (propane tanks to make hash oil) and an earthquake in Santa Rosa. I was not directly affected by either. I only mention it to indicate the interesting news of the day. 

With Success Come Insecurities

 I can see how, ironically, this might be the case.

One succeeds with writing by being published, which is wonderful, and what most writers want.

By being published, one is more likely to be read. And more likely to have someone not enjoy what they read. The more exposure, the more exposed one might feel.

In my case, at the moment, as truly fantastic journals are accepting a poem here and there, I am both grateful and nervous. I can see all the little flaws and imperfections of the poems, and I think maybe they don't hold their own the way I might like, and the way that I hope future poems could. But on the other hand, I trust the decision of the readers and editors who are publishing me, and I am extremely thankful to them. 

So I'm considering it a day like Molly Spencer described in her blog post (nearly 9 years ago) entitled "Today I hate all my poems." What I love most about her entry is the confidence that this feeling is temporary.

Why am I fraught with insecurities?

This is the question I just posed to the room. Only S. was in the room, and she sang a little song right away as an answer. It went: "It's be-cause you're an ar-tist!" 

You have to imagine the intonation of a musical number to get the real vibe, but it's her suggested answer. I'm less sure, but I appreciate the idea. I can say here what I won't likely say in my poetry blog, which is that I feel that nothing I write is any good, and that I shouldn't send out any more poems until I can do better. Not sure why I've hit this sudden low. I even ate a nice dinner, so I can't blame blood sugar. Perhaps it's the clutter I've moved from the living room to my office. The living room is now in fantastic shape. My office is a crazy collection of stacked paperwork and books, tottering every which way. Not conducive to confidence.

But I do comfort myself with the knowledge that even the greatest poets doubt themselves, so it's no wonder someone at my level would feel the same way. Maybe truly dreadful poets are the ones who don't question their capabilities. 

Downhill

There are decidedly fewer days left in April than have already passed, so I am on the "downhill" slope in terms of blogging in two blogs daily & submitting poems daily. And I'm one week into the current Whole Life Challenge.

With the headache I had most of the day, it was hard to concentrate and get things done. But once it passed, I was able to focus better. Drove S. and Mr. Darcy to the vets for an 8am appointment, walked the dog, cleaned the house more, had blood drawn & pressure taken & urine samples, all that jazz, for the insurance company, then worked on paperwork and weeding, went for a walk with D., a trip to storage, drove A. home, more yard work, poetry submissions, and now posting. A busy day - and it's after 9:30pm now! - but still it felt too short, knowing tomorrow starts another workweek. 

Quickly Approaching Fast

Tonight, D. & I will fast for blood tests tomorrow. We're thinking of getting new life insurance policies (controversial, I know), and this is part of the process. I just wish our appointment were earlier than 11am!

I expect to drink a lot of water in the morning to keep my stomach from being too hollow. And maybe I'll have a snack in an hour or so that will see me through better than going to bed without. 

I'm especially tired tonight, having done a lot today. D. is completely wiped out from his 2nd COVID vaccine yesterday. We make such a lively pair! 

Ready for the "weekend"

Working an odd weekly schedule means that the weekends I have are not the weekends that others have. But it affords me a blissful day of being alone and getting things done. Especially when not receiving vaccines and teeth cleaning followed by 15 hours of incapacitation from the former.

I make long lists of what to accomplish on my days off. If I do half of them, great. 2/3rds? Super! It occurs to me that a shorter to-do list would result in 100% completion if I played my cards right. Too bad it would be a winning hand but at the wrong game. 

A bit of good news during an otherwise sticky day: acceptance of a poem at a lovely journal. Hooray!

Work, work, poetry, poetry, sleep

After my usual morning walk and chores, then a long work day including three zoom meetings, another post-work zoom poetry meeting, and forty-five minutes finishing on a submission, I am ready to do my 10 minutes of stretching and one hour off media before going to bed! 

On another note, I have started reading A Swim in a Pond in the Rain, and am quite enjoying it so far. 

And if this is seeming more like a series of Tweets than blog posts, I refer you to the aforementioned daily schedule. 

Wane

This evening, after a very long and busy day (up before 7am, still working at 10pm),  I didn't think I could submit poetry to another journal and make two blog entries. But I was only kidding myself.

It's cold in the room where I write these entries, because the floor is the least insulated in the house, and the draft comes right up. (My fingers are stiff with the chill.) But I've put away the space heaters, and it's not cold enough otherwise to justify starting the wood stove. Maybe tomorrow.

For now,  I shall write a little longer, read a little longer, and be ever so grateful for a roof over my head and a bed with many blankets!

Let's Review

 It's been a while since I've posted this image, so here's the latest from Johns Hopkins. This virus is not suddenly going away just because our county has moved into the orange tier and some of us are vaccinated. In states where there is great resistance to wearing masks (I'm looking at you, Arizona, Nevada and Florida), I'm not sure how they're going to get past this thing. 

That Much Better

So, I felt so much better today it was, if not like Jesus back from the dead (I would not dare to compare), than at least like Scrooge Christmas morning. I felt very alive, and lively, all day, and I know it was in no small part because my headache was gone and my body aches and fever were gone. Except for a visible swollen and discolored area around the injection site, in fact, I feel as well as ever.

Also, this second day in my 6-week challenge, I'm especially grateful for an opportunity to focus on health and fitness in the company of others (online) who are doing the same. Lots of water, lots of sleep, daily exercise and stretching and cutting out media just before and just after sleeping. All good things. 

Your Mileage May Vary

I had hoped that I would only suffer a sore arm and a chill or two with the second vaccine shot. And for many hours, that was true. But by 1am, it was clear that I had been knocked down in a significant way. It was a rough night, with fever and aches and, by morning, a horrendous headache. I spent much of the day sleeping, too worn out to even move. I am better now, although I still have a slight fever. I'm hoping it'll break by morning so I can go to work. It's hard not to feel a little irritated by "losing" such a beautiful day, when I had had fantasies of "taking it easy" but still getting things done...!

Art is What You Can Get Away With

Apparently, Andy Warhol said this. 

The topic came up when I showed him the work of Agenetha Dyck in Canada. She places objects in bee hives and removes them after the bees have built wax over them. Here is an example: her "masked ball" series.

I'm think the pieces are interesting, if a little creepy - but nowhere near as creepy as a mouse that has been mummified by propolis. 

I really miss having bees. Even though I know I'm just delaying until we're in a better physical place for me to keep them, I miss them horribly. 

I had my second vaccine shot this morning, followed by a visit to the dentist, followed by an extraordinarily unhealthy meal as a last cheat day activity before six weeks of very healthy living. While I ate what was basically straight-up junk, I did think of one of R.'s catch-phrases, which is "I was making regrets." 

Glutton

 I am a glutton for...well, if not exactly punishment, then at least challenges. I have just signed up for another Whole Life Challenge - six-weeks of lifestyle changes (or habits) to stay healthy and sane, starting Saturday. The habits are nutrition, exercise, mobility, sleep, water, reflection, and well-being. The last one, well-being, usually takes the form of meditation or acts of kindness or time in nature or time away from screens while eating - that sort of thing. I think this might be my sixth challenge, and each time, although I have moments of wondering what in the world I was thinking when I signed up, I do find that I come out of them feeling healthier and more balanced. And it just feels like it's time. Maybe because of, rather than in spite of, all the other challenges in my life. Something to help me focus on what keeps me well.

Tomorrow I get my second COVID-19 vaccine shot, immediately followed by a trip to the dentist for a cleaning. Because why not. I've not planned much more for the rest of tomorrow or Saturday, though, just in case the "jab" (as so many people call it) affects me. At the very least, though, I hope to go through the mountain of paperwork I've left in the living room...

The Blessing of Invisibility

I don't believe anyone is reading these blog posts, which you would think would be discouraging, but instead seems to give me a sense of license and liberation. 

What does it matter what I write? It does not. But what does matter, to me, is that I write something. Almost anything. It's an exercise that improves the quality of my life, especially if done daily to develop the habit and the writing "muscle." I could write about the difficulty day I had at work, and even go into some detail in the interest of practicing my narrative skills, but I don't have to, so I won't. And the truth is that I don't even want to give it that much more time or energy. The workday was tough. I might even have shed a tear or two. It's over. I learned from it. Ça suffit. 

Spring Cleaning 2021

For decades, I've stored paintings, drawings, cards & stories by the kids up in our attic. This includes approximately a hundred main lesson books, which are the beautiful artifacts that parents of Waldorf students must agonize over whether to keep or toss. Main lesson books are not just mimeographed pages of multiplication problems or thin lined paper with a column of penciled spelling words. They are colorful, artful compilations of a several weeks of work, complete with titles and decorative borders, and as such, they're a little tougher to toss. For me, anyway. (Here's a link to a video showing a 3rd grade main lesson book, for the curious.)

Right now our living room looks like a Waldorf school closet threw up in it. I have pulled down boxes and bags of those paintings, drawings, comics, stories and heavy colorful main lesson books so I can go through them and winnow. Whatever I keep, I'll likely be keeping for myself, because the kids care less than I do, being unsentimental or still scarred by their education or maybe a little of both. Like so much else in this down-sizing project, it will look worse before it gets better. But I think I already feel a bit lighter, knowing all that tonnage of paper is not over my head. And I'm falling in love with my kids' creativity and sense of humor all over again as I start this process. I certainly won't keep everything. But I'll keep enough to relive their childhood now and then with little souvenirs. I am working to kick the habit, but I'm still a bit of a sucker for ephemera. 

Easter Monday

 And oh, that's right. Yesterday was Easter, and I didn't even mention that in my blog. Beekeeping and poetry trumps all, I suppose. But I rose early to take Tango on his walk and be back in time to make a feast and hide candy, although in the end, N. wasn't feeling well and she and A. didn't come over until the afternoon.

So we had all those Welsh cakes (gluten-free and otherwise) and popovers (gluteny) and bacon, and eggs, and cantaloupe and a tiny bowl of hash-browns for just three of us.  And Mr. Darcy, overseeing the table. Just in case. The orchid in the photo is on its second round of blooms since I bought it. I'm always so pleased when I manage to get an orchid to re-bloom. But an even more amazing feat is the poinsettia that S. has kept alive and blooming since Christmas. I've often said that poinsettias are an exercise in consumerism, futility and guilt. You buy them, you try to keep them alive, and they die. But she has proven me wrong. Some day when she moves out, she'll take approximately 30 houseplants with her, including blooming venus fly traps and propagating philodendra and spider ferns. I'll keep the orchid.