Better, thanks

Sleep helped my state of mind only very slightly.

What helped me much more was listening to a CD of Tolle on the way in to work this morning.
I mean, I had been so full of depression that when I said goodbye to my sleeping kids and husband, I was thinking that something might happen to me (besides a comet hitting earth) and I might not see them again.
And I didn't care.
About myself, mostly. But even, also, about them.
Pretty bad, huh?

Now, I'm just trying to figure out what is triggering all this. I don't think it's so much the post-party letdown as the fact that without the distractions of preparing for the party, finishing D's dad's book, and prepping for the Kenwood 10k, I'm faced with looking at other situations in my life that generate a huge level of fear and resentment and (as Tolle) would put it "awaken the pain body" - or awaken a whole ugly mess of psychological pain in me.

As Homer Simpson would say, "STOOPID psychological pain." (Or maybe he wouldn't say that. But you get my point.)

And once I can get clear on what's triggering all the nastiness, I hope to address it in the most positive, present way possible, or to let it go of it completely. If I can.

Arrrg.

Excuse a bit more of what must sound like psycho-babble mumbo jumbo jargon, but in spite of the level of depression I'm feeling, I'm now (after the drive to work) much more confident in the transformative power of being positive and doing things through love instead of fear.

Doesn't mean any of this is easy, but it means I think I can find a place, here and now, where it will *be* easy. Or where "easy/difficult" will be just two more labels my brain wants to give to situations that don't, in the great cosmic scheme of things, matter at all.